No, I Didn't
by Chauncey Chu
Summary: Yuffie and Vincent are on a mission together. Throw in a few Gil, some craziness, the stoic gunman, and unwanted chases. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing. Add a hyper ninja along. What could possibly go wrong? Absolutely everything.
1. Chapter 1

**No, I Didn't**

A Yuffentine

**Author's Notes**: No, I didn't think I owned Square Enix or its characters. That's why it's called 'fanfiction'. No, I didn't write this because I was bored. Then again, I'm always bored. No, I didn't think I'd be able to write my third fanfic like this. So filled with randomness and perverted thoughts. I apologize in advance for that. Please, don't spank me. I was planning on something more serious. No, I didn't think it would work out well and make people laugh. And no, I didn't think someone like you would read this. Here's another Yuffentine brought to you by yours truly. I proudly present 'No, I didn't'. Wait, I mean humbly present. Humbly, not proudly. Er..yeah, you get the idea.

**WARNING**: If I would describe this fic, I only have one thing to tell you. Crazed, perverted, random stupidity. Seriously, reader discretion. I'm WARNING YOU. HENCE THE BOLD "WARNING" WORDS TYPED. Then again, meh. Who cares. XD

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Chapter 1: The First Mistake

Yuffie woke up to a bright new morning. After stretching her arms and back in an arch, she lazily got up from the comfort of her bed and threw the curtains open, shielding her eyes from the crepuscular rays that shyly streamed through gaps in the clouds that covered the light blue sky. Her half-opened eyes drifted to the small clock on the bedside table made from varnished mahogany.

"_How the heck did I manage to wake up at 5:30?_" she thought, yawning. Yuffie slipped on her white bunny slippers and padded out of her room. Quietly, she shuffled into the living room. Her left foot collided with a hard object, causing the first noise in the morning. The noise was her cursing, not the impact between the slipper and that certain thing. Grumbling, she picked it up without even looking to see what it was. It was heavy, crafted with the finest silver, and had three barrels with lion crests on top.

"_Vincent's gun?_" Yuffie saw another object lying on the kilin carpet and picked it up. It was a hollow, cylindrical tool of about two inches tall. Still groggy from waking up, she thought that it was a part of the gun that had been separated when she had stepped on it accidentally earlier. She rammed the tube into the one of gun's barrels. She forced it in until she decided it looked normal. Yuffie traced the gun back to the ground and found two bullets. Having thought that she had to test the gun out to make sure it was not broken, she loaded Cerberus with the two rubber-looking rounds.

"_Rubber bullets. Meh. As boring as Vincent._" Yuffie shrugged.

Yuffie aimed the gun at the large wall-to-wall glass window that allowed light to shine inside the living room. She fired.

The blatant sound of shattered glass woke Vincent up. He threw the door of his room open and revealed half of his body as he scanned the living room for the source. His eyes instantly narrowed. Yuffie.

"Yuffie. The gun." Vincent's voice was clearly calm, though the first layer of his patience had already been shucked off.

Yuffie stared at the stoic gunman. He was only in his boxers, showing the rest of his pale body to her. Her fingers twitched as she scanned him from top to bottom, stopping right where she wanted her eyes to. It was bony, pointed and had several nearly unnoticeable veins. She bit her lip absent-mindedly, not even allowing a single blink.

She was staring at his exposed hand and not at that, you perverted reader.

Vincent jumped. Literally. His foot barely evaded the bullet. Yuffie's trembling fingers fired the gun accidentally.

"Gun. Now," he ordered flatly. She understood his simple explanation and gave the weapon back.

Yuffie yawned, now covering her mouth to muffle it into silence. She walked into his room as Vincent stalked her with a glare. He had to pay for the broken window, but he disregarded it to sulk on for later. Meanwhile, Yuffie's eyes instantly widened when she came across another amusing object on the floor.

"Whoa, Vincent, did you woo a girl here yesterday while I was gone? You did her hard," she commented, waving a black brief with a hole in the front. The hole appeared to be a circular rip that was forced by the strength and pressure of a certain erected object.

Vincent's jaw dropped slightly. He walked up to her and snatched the garment from her hands. "Wha-"

"You animal." She punched his arm playfully.

Vincent raised his eyebrows. He stared at it until his mind recognized the circular mark. "You shot my underwear."

"Awesome pick-up line, Vincent. I'm sure fangirls would love to hear you say that to them." Yuffie said, chuckling.

He frowned.

"No, I didn't shoot your underwear. That's just stupid."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

He sighed. "Never mind." He didn't even bother arguing further. He threw the piece of ruined cloth to the trash bin. Vincent placed Cerberus back to its holster. Looking outside the window, he got dressed for the day. Then, he felt something burning holes into his back. Sensing discomfort, he glanced behind his shoulder. Yuffie was staring at him. Again.

"Would you mind?" he asked, gesturing towards the open door.

"No, I don't mind."

Vincent turned his head back, expecting Yuffie to leave. He discarded the boxers, zipped his pants, wore his black shirt, fastened his belt and fixed his cloak. He spun around, ready to leave.

Yuffie was still there, apparently having watched him during the whole process.

"...Y-You..."

"No, I didn't."

Vincent paused and tilted his head downward. "A nonsense question," he muttered, before storming out of the room.

After paying a night's lodging fees and an unbelievable amount of 53,490 Gil for the glass window that Yuffie shot, the duo set out for Nibelheim's reactor. Reeve had sent them there one day prior to investigate. Complaints and rumors were rampant and the reactor had been shut off from unauthorized personnel since then. Vincent strode for the reactor, passing jagged layers of rocks along the way. Yuffie skipped behind him, bearing a cheerful mood.

"Hey, Vinnie."

Vincent cringed at the nickname. "What?"

"I bet ya 2,000 Gil that the underwear you threw will be auctioned."

"What?" he asked again, unable to comprehend her profound words.

"I said-"

"It was a rhetorical question."

"Oh. Anyways, are you in?"

Vincent sighed. "No, thank you."

"Aww. You're such a fun-sucker."

Knowing that he would certainly win the bet, Vincent gave in and nodded. "Fine."

An hour later, Vincent stared at the small poster on of the glass windows of the inn they had just left that morning. It turned out that a Behemoth made the reactor as its home. They ended their mission by putting an end to the beast's life.

Yuffie poked Vincent as he stared, his eye twitching. The poster read: "Selling Vincent's Used Undergarment. 500,000 Gil only. Please inquire inside."

"Absurd." Vincent ripped the poster into shreds. Yuffie kept on poking his arm. "What?" he snarled as she folded her arms in response. "You owe me 2,000 Gil."

"That..._thing_...was not auctioned, therefore, I win the bet. That is what you said."

"No, I didn't say that."

Vincent counted how many times she had said that for the past few hours. Three? Four? He couldn't remember.

"C'mon, just give me the 2,000 Gil. Please?"

"If it will make you stop poking me."

Yuffie nodded so hard Vincent thought her head would snap and fall off.

Sighing, Vincent gave her the money. She smiled at the silver coins and safely secured them inside her pocket. Then, she realized something. "Erm..Vin-Vin?"

Glaring, he turned to regard her.

"We didn't bring any extra clothes, right?"

He shook his head.

Yuffie grinned. "Then, you aren't wearing any underwear?"

Vincent looked down. Holy crap.

Sanity left = 93%.


	2. Chapter 2

**No, I Didn't**

A Yuffentine

**Author's Notes**: No, I didn't think this was a good idea in the first place. This story is one helluva perverted time-waster. Seriously. I'm having second thoughts about uploading this piece of junk.

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Chapter 2: Denial 101

On that same day, Vincent and Yuffie were given another mission. They headed to the hot beach of Costa Del Sol, where Reeve had told them an information broker was waiting. On Yuffie's backpack were their food and supplies for five days of travel. As directed, the two looked for the tavern in the small place and entered it without hesitation. A young female with a beret was throwing them eye contact on the far left.

"Are you the info broke?" Yuffie asked, adjusting the bag on her back.

"Yes, I am."

They waited for her to narrate to them their mission specifics. Instead, the girl just stared at them.

"You don't pay, I don't talk."

"Broker said what?" Yuffie practically screamed.

Vincent took out his PHS from his pocket and called Reeve. No signal. Awesome. Glaring at the broker, he inquired, "How much?"

"15,000 Gil."

Vincent sighed. Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Lookie here, woman. We were sent by Reeve Tuesti here. He told us that you'd give us the full details."

"Pay first."

Vincent grumbled and looked away, thinking of a method to solve their problem. In one fluid motion, Yuffie unstrapped Vincent's belt and dashed towards the exit. Vincent didn't have a second to respond as his slashed pants plummeted to the floor. It was a good thing there was only one person in the tavern, though that person was now staring at his lower body with wide eyes.

Then, he remembered. No underwear. Chaos was laughing his butt off at the back of Vincent's mind when he saw through his host's eyes that the girl was salivating.

Vincent found a ragged cloth on one of the tables and tied it around his waist. The dazzled information broker just gaped at him.

"...E-Excuse me." He turned to leave.

"T-There are cactuars that raid the beach from time to time. There aren't any tourists nowadays because of them."

He turned again to face the young lady. "We...didn't pay yet."

She grinned at him with suggestive eyebrows."Oh, you paid for the information really well."

Vincent didn't actually know how to respond to that. Initially, he shook his head and sighed, running outside the look for Yuffie. He swore he would murder her when he'd get his hands on her. Vincent exited through the double doors and drenched himself under the fiery sunlight.

"Hey, Vinnie!" Yuffie jumped at him.

Vincent resisted the urge to ram Cerberus down her throat. But wait, something was wrong. Cerberus was gone. Realization striking him, he clutched Yuffie's wrist.

"Where is my belt?"

Yuffie promptly returned the belt to him. Vincent's eyes fell to the empty holster.

"Where's the broker? We have the money now."

"How?"

"Duh, I sold Cerberus."

"_What_?" he snarled, his voice rising in loudness. "You sold Cerberus?"

"Um...no, I didn't?" she blurted out, scratching the back of her head. Angered beyond measure, Vincent dropped control of his anger and chased Yuffie, who immediately ran for her life.

Three hours later...

"Seriously, can we stop now?" Yuffie questioned as she ran, panting and dripping with sweat.

Vincent didn't reply. If she had not thrown shurikens and knives at him, he probably would have caught her three hours ago. Finally, Yuffie tripped. Vincent caught up and grabbed her by the neck.

"I'm sorry, Vincent! I thought it was-"

"A good idea? How is selling my gun a good idea?"

"It sold for a hefty price. That's a compliment, you know?"

Vincent sighed and let go of her. There was nothing he could do to reclaim possession of his beloved gun anyway. Killing Yuffie and impaling her on a stick like a Midgar Zolom wouldn't help either. He sat down, exhausted. He scanned his surroundings as Yuffie also got up. Both of them didn't notice that they had traveled quite a large distance while playing cat and mouse.

"Where are we?" Yuffie inquired.

"...In the middle of nowhere."

Sand dunes covered the lifeless ground. The sun was high in the sky, torturing them with heat. Everywhere they looked, they found sand. A desert.

Vincent turned to Yuffie. "Call Reeve."

"You do it. You have a PHS too."

"You slashed it into half when you cut my pants."

"Oh."

Yuffie stared at him.

He stared back.

She blinked.

He blinked.

She blinked again.

Chaos slapped his forehead.

"Call him."

"I don't have a PHS."

Vincent noticed that her backpack was gone too. "Where is your bag?"

"I-"

"You lost it?"

"...No, I didn't."

"Then, where is it?"

"Um...I lost it?"

Vincent took a deep breath to calm himself. This was _not_ happening.

"How much Gil do we have?"

"What Gil?"

"Money."

"Oh."

She stared again.

Vincent glared at her. "How much do we have?"

"We don't have any."

Vincent felt consciousness slowly slipping away. "You lost our money?"

Yuffie shrugged. "No, I didn't."

"Of course." Vincent shook his head and sighed for the nth time.

All of their money and food were gone, he lost a brief, it got auctioned, his pants were destroyed, he stained an innocent girl's mind and turned her into a maniac fangirl, Cerberus was sold, Yuffie used up all her weapons, they got lost, and they were in a freaking desert with no means of contact to other people. It couldn't get any worse. Or so Vincent thought.

Yuffie titled her head sideways and poked Vincent. He snappily faced her and growled.

"Erm..Vinnie?"

"...What?" He was too tired to shout.

"Why aren't you wearing any pants?"

Vincent looked down again. The ragged cloth he tied to his waist was gone. Now he knew why something felt wrong when he was running. Something kept on getting in the way with his thighs. Eww. That's just gross. Why am I writing this? Lol. Frustrated, he looked up to see a dazed Yuffie staring at him.

Sanity left = 46%.


End file.
